KitKat baby

Exams are just over, am really excited about going to Germany Having loads of activies from time to time..keeping me busy.. although it doesnt however lessen the pain of missing my home, my friends and my life back in KL..

Loving someone so deep has many risks..no i did not only realise it now, but probably..i would say..i may be facing those certain ‘risks’ now..in my period of time here..i am more exposed to many new faces, to a new culture so called (Western), i have a more open-minded i would say to things that i never thought i would have.. friends’ opinions…emotions we face here at college..gave me all valuable lessons..however it is most devastating when you cant actually share those precious moments of growing up with the one you love..the only way is to explain them which i know im not born to do..i have become a bit more independent i guess..in other words..i feel miserable in actual fact..

i can stand the environment..i can stand the critics and hardship but what i cant is the time spent apart from each other..i cant stand the times when we need each other physically is easily satisfied with just a phone call, i can’t stand not being able to see what he’s going through..knowing it just by words sux bad..i feel so..lazy and tired sometimes that i dont know why the heck am i doing this…yes i love you, yes i want to be with you, forever..but sometimes.. its just hard…hard to the point of giving up..

a talk with my friend recently..who is undergoing an LDR.. a real LDR..different country etc..well..we were talking about death.. ya i know..what a topic rite..haha..anws..he was saying..he acually doesnt mine dying now..but he is kinda worried abt the sorrows that his family mite face and his girlfriend..but he stopped awhile n said..sighs..my girlfriend..shes so far away..hmm..and basicly i get the idea..sort of..distance too far for a long period of time can cause a person whos so in love to Not SEE the significants of their love builded 5 years ago…possible? hmm.what about me? what about us? crying abt it doesnt help…talking abt it doesnt change anything..holding on to something so uncertain is fragile..its not burdening at all of course but..i dont know..i just dont..

conclusion: im confuesed n miserable but still madly in love.. God help me..

honestly..i mite ..am gooing to start rumbling and complaining again.. my idea of college life is definately not what i am living in now.. i can say that doing my course at Taylors wasnt the perfect one either, but it was looking back now, much much much more better..i mean i dont have much restriction there, i get to meet friends who was more of ‘my kind’, spending time with tim and even my family members is now harder than ever.. to make it worse, my holidays and so called time i can go back are totally the ooposite of almost all of my friends back there..how i really really wish i could ask God to turn back time.. Regretting and feeling ever so sucky is what i was going through on tuesday..couldnt resist it anymore, tears were falling like rain, heart ever so pounding for comfort and eyes hurting like it never did before, i just want to drop it all and go home..my sister i called..helped me to realise i was stronger than this.. that i could endure the pain for i have been given something so great..for she said good things dont come easily..i can believe that part..but what i cant accept is the fact that the scholaship is a great thing.. besides the fact of financial terms, everything else is so much worse now thanks to it! how is that greaT?

God, i prayed and prayed..help me to ease the pain, give me the strength to believe that God’s will is unfolding in my life..then when i was tired of sobbing and being all pathetic..i calmed down.. went through old stuff i had in my cupboard, found the church bulletin with the verse : "THE MAN WITHOUT THE SPIRIT DOES NOT ACCEPT THE THINGS THAT COME FROM THE SPIRIT OF GOD, FOR THEY ARE FOOLISHNESS TO HIM AND HE CANNOT UNDERSTAND THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE SPIRITUaLLY DISCERNED" -1Corinthians 2:14 believe it or not, just these 3 lines made me felt ever so convinced and push my inner being to be stronger.. i have to fight this feeling of holding back…i have to endure the hardships here..i will prove that i can do it.. no matter how much it will cost my future in terms of working life to my marriage..i must.. what faith in GOd do i say i have if i keep doubting? i am indeed tired inside out..i just have to let it go and live with what i have been given..for i now believe the decision i made to accept the scholarship was not mine, but of the Holy Spirit…yes it was..im 101% sure it was.

Thanks and much praises to God for on wednesday, i manage to go down to Curve to spend time with tim.. it was wonderful, in fact..the whole week ended with such fun that i didnt have much time to even look back on my sorrows…my supportive friends here were really encouraging and well, i can say that God provided them with the right words to say to me at the right time..i felt happy for the first time being here.. as proven, i didnt want to go back this weekend..even tho dad asked me, even tho my fren offered me a lift, i rejected them all..i believe i can have the college life i dreamt of even here..for i KNOW God works out everything for Good of those who love Him, and i can shout out to the world, I DO ! so lets just pray and hope that i will never ever havto go through again those ‘moments’ of sadness and regret..i want to be happy ..to be able to enjoy my life for everything i do i do it for God. Amen. 

toodles ~