KitKat baby

the last thing i want to here is ‘i told you so’ or ‘noooooooo’ …

………………………………………………………………………..

i know..YA *screams aloud* im 18..i have alot more to come my way..i get that..why make a choice NOW? for heaven’s sake, you’re going overseas n u already closed up the door to your heart ??!! HELOOOOOO what kind of question is that people?

Yea, i do know..theres alot more in store for me..i know i will me meeting more people, new faces, personality and style..BUt as long as i am here..as long as i can stand on my own two feet i have my say..i want my relationship now, my relationship with tim to head to marriage, i really do want to give my everything to him..he is a real great guy! a great guy so much as i believe i wont be able to find another..yes..im that sure! and whats wrong with that? whats wrong with having my own fairy tale, having it at my own time? after all, all fairy tales end up happily ever after.. other guys? new faces? let those worry for themselves when the time comes, as for me i wont let go of what i have now.Its the best thing that happens to me so far..in fact, he is my life-changing partner..n i mean changing for the better! i’ve grown more than ever..im not saying that if i had been with my friends all along i would never grow.. no..but i would not have experience love, romance, patience, kindness, faithfulness and so much more!

fairy tale..yes..what happens when your lil fairy tale seems to be a nightmare..a horror scene..a thriller..even for a nite..it hurts.. bad..what happens when you feel that numb feeling inside? how long more will it take to ‘recover’ ? i want to be ‘mad’ again.. mad over my love…somehow..i just prefer to be alone..i dont want to tell this to my friends because (refer to line one) ..n recently i’ve been dying to go to college..as i thought that this feeling i have can be avoided..that i wont have to deal with it..yes i know, i admit i am an ‘avoider’ but i just feel so sad..u know..i love tim..i need him i want to need him..gawsh..im being as honest as i never thought i could be with him..to tell him each n every feeling thats inside of me..every move that irritates me..but sumhow..i can tell he’s thinking of how bad he is..n dats not true..i may have my mood swings now..i can assure myself..it is due to my period..but why do i get more irritated easily at him?! im cheerfully happy with my family n friends n i want to be with him too..im just feeling, knowing that it would take a lifetime to clear things up with him after all this ‘nonsense’ is over..i would not even be surprise if he ‘loves me less’ or lose affection over me ..

God so help me now..i may not have been leaning on You as much as i should have…and i know i may not be as understanding as tim thought i am..but i still do have a heart dear Lord to fight and hold on..and im not sure how long more i can.. Only You know whats best for me, for us..heal my ache and bless our time apart.Amen.

ever wonder why the sudden change of thinking you could have in a spilt second? thinking and talking of the best things in life that could happen..and then before you know it! there..the worst choice you have made??!! could it be?..naahhh..maybe…naahh..n then missing those sweet moments again..

yes? no? well..believe it or not..it happens..often you ask? i wouldn’t dare give an answer..its more of .. i’m not sure..its pretty weird myself to be in such quick change of thinking in my mind.. question is..can it, will it ever stop ? thank God am not acting on those thoughts..ppl would only be thinking what freak of all undecisiveness i am!! Haha

somehow..once again..i wish upon a star..to see the future..my future..at least the near future..no one would want to put her whole heart into something, into someone and find it all a waste..yea sure some experience may be gained..but..sigh..no one ones it at all in the end rite? i guessed so

anws..2more weeks..new environment..new ppl..new faces =) but then again..new personalities, new attitudes, and maybe just maybe more conflicts *pouts* ..im three quarterly excited..just reli worried abt the toilet conditions =p  ‘eyeer’ —-> dats the most frequent word you’ll prob here me saying! unless..somehow..hmm i dono :(  Yea, i’ll be missing alot of things back here.. alot of people here.. those who have touched my life, those who have been there for me through thick and thin and those who are so crappy..but hey, whats life if you always stick with the same people??!! get out n get wild! =D

well..you mite guess what time it is now..mmmm..lets see.. its… 5.30am !! no, i did not purposely wake up to write this post.. n no, i did not lost track of time either..let me explain..bear with me

today was i guess..great? naa..cud call it a good day lar..woke up arn 11am..laze arn in bed..then finally got up..seeing that i slept in a beavers’ dam for the past few days..i decided to clear up my table.. separated all my SAM books to which i think would be useful for college n which will not..cleared out quite alot of junk..then straight to my dressing table..phhoww..make up accessories are everywhere!! earings,neclaces,bracelet and watches…what a mess i have made..haha..cleared it all up..vacuumeded my whole room.. change my bed covers..was done at almost 12pm..did daddy a BIG BIG favour by doing his laundry..folded all the clothes (almost all la) then came online..chatted, edited pictures, checked for movie screenings etc..

ate some stuff..then napped awhile..woke up arn 5pm..decided not to have dinner with tim..played badminton with bryan..annouced a ‘ladies nite out’ which worked out pretty well..(coming up soon) mmm..then bathe..watch ‘Friends’ while waiting for daddy to bathe..then Nanny McPhee came on !! never watch the movie before..but it turned out pretty well so i wanted to watch the whole movie..but dad wanted me to go for dinner…:( so off we went..to centrepoint Dragon-I bryan annouced at dinner that today was a WEDNESDAY NITE so sarcasticly..(he has tuition class) n dad totally remembered n stared at him…but bryan started laughing thinking what success he has achieve to make my dad forget!! haha lazy brat..anws..we went straight home after that..but mum n dad went out again..donno where they went la..it was 9pm sharp.. Nanny Mcphee has JUST ended…what perfect timing anws.. got on the comp to pass dad’s bday pics to his frens..called the girls.. sher lynn n camen came over..then we went to pick the queen who took pretty long to come out of the house..miss ong..

we went to ss2 Char Chan Teng..took like 30minutes to decide what we all wanted..told myself NO COFFEE…then saw the ‘yingyong’ milk tea..looks great..n i thot that it wud help me sleep as it is MILK..we chatted…some ppl teased me like crap n i told them that they all cud walk home then..haha then they stopped sher had driving exam tmr so we didnt stay too long..we left by 11.10pm la.. drove home..went into the hse so nervous-ly as a lot of robbery crap has been reported recently..

continued with the pics i left off..while waiting for my boyfriend to get home..arn almost 1am only he reached..*pout* haha…anws.. we hanged on the phone till 2.30am then decided to call it a nite.. he went to bed..so did i..HOWEVER..i cudnt sleep..went to pee at 3am.. went downstairs to drink choc milk at 3.40am .. then to pee again at 4.15..msged nicole..she slept ady..sheesh..then on the radio…tossed, turned, do whatever it takes to sleep..but no..so HERE I AM…thanks to the wonderful ever so nice MILK TEA ! i can even hear the morning prayers by the muslims now..hahahha.. tell you..anws…i managed to finish up ’something’ on the comp tonite.. its for … hehe

owell..i better go try to toss n turn again..if not i’ll be a zoombie for sure at lunch with my college pals tmr !!

I’ve had many tears and sorrow,

I’ve had many questions for tomorrow,

There’ve been times i didnt know right from wrong,

But in every situation, God gave blessed consolation,

That my trials come to only make me stronger.

Through it all, i’ve learned to trust in Jesus more and more.

I’ve been to lots of places, I’ve seen lots of faces,

There’ve been times i felt so alone

But in my lonely hours, Jesus let me know that i was His own.

I thank God for the mountains, for the valleys,

For if i’d never had a problem, I wouldn’t know that he could solve them, I’d never know what faith in God could do.

For those of you who know me well, i’ve always wanted a dog… eversince Michelle - my shih-tzu was given away,i’ve been praying for a dog..2years after,God answeredmy prayer..an abonded puppy..roughly 5-6weeks afterbirth.. My sister hadcalled me up to tell me aboutit..i was so happy. She was perfect in every way. Quiet,obidient,goldfur,adorable and healthy! I must admit tho that she was very scared n nervous the day we brought her home.. i did have difficulties playing with her at first..but2days later, she became my BEST buddy…i wud notmiss a chance to pat her nplay fetch with her the moment i come home nbefore i go to sleep… She was truly a blessing in so manyways to me andmy family.. 2days ago, my sis brought her for vaccination..to our horror, she was anemic and had 2types of worm inher body. Doctor said she was too weak tobe givenvaccination..nthat at her age tobe receiving all these..it cud befatal.. i was devastated..but i had faith. I prayed.. that she will be healed..yday was with her at nite..she couldnot standup no more..she was just so tired..she cudnt eat her bfast,lunch nordinner..we cud do nothing but tried to feed her milk n crushed biscuits..i went to bed tat nite..worrying..butstil praying.. this morning b4 i left..i saw her..she looked at me..i smiled..i told her in my heart that she will be alright. she looked much better.. at abt 12pm..i got a call from my sis in college..it was a real breakdown for me. Pickles, the pup tat was everything to me at that time was gone.. gone.. what else cud i do but wonder… wonder in confusion…then i realised today that her purpose here was done. She brought peace and harmony to my family. It may have been less than a week, but she has done great things as a puppy..*questions pops up* Does all dogs go to heaven? maybe… i know God will take her in, there she will be healthy once again, waiting for me, watching over me ..

The only two words playing in my head rite now is.. ‘IF ONLY’. If only you have come to me a few weeks earlier, if only Jesus was on earth to raise u up, if only i had more chance to play and pat you more, if only you did not leave. If only.. Pickles, you will always have a part of my heart with you. May you rest in peace. I will be missing you.Hugs

RIP Pickles

*pout* i still havnt got my lazy bum to buy me a de-stresser

well..*deep breathe* i guess i can say today is a much better day..coz firstly..my morning went pretty well instead of the usual 6.30am wake-up..i woke up at 7.30am one hour more in bed means the world to me! no no i din wake up late.. dad had a meeting at SHeraton Subang arn 8.30am so he ask me to go with him..n he SUGGESTED i be late for class (8am)..i was hesitant but then again.. i remembered it was LAN period..so yay..im so gonna skip the first half..so yippie..no..i dint get to drive..dint wanto anyway..was still very very sleepy..instead of taking the toll way, we took the LDP..altho it was gona be more jam..i cudnt care less…LAN is boring…on the way there..suddenly esther msged me -Hey gal..No LAN class..take ur time..woohoo !! i told my dad n he SMILED BIG.. haha he was feeling bad when he saw it was 8.15 n we were not even close to Taylors..haha so there.. not a bad day uh..

got in Campus..the girls were hanging arn..dont know where to go oso..i came then suggested then we go to the comp lab..i wanted to check my mail n book gsc tickets so we stayed there till 9am.. then went to the theater..was actually a court room.. watched Devil Wears Prada never knew such nice shoes can turn out to be a horrible assignment.. i froze in there while watching the show for an hour.. continueing tmr..yay got a whole list of behaviour-attitude form to fill up for all the characters in the show *bummer-spoiler* hehe.. owell..then other classes resumed as usual

3pm- gathered the ppl for worship practice..just to realise our spot was locked..for a month we can practice at OASIS -place we go to sing…so …decided to go campus city they were havin a worshipleading workshop by Pastor Sandra.. was really good..first time meeting her..she was really semangat-ted and high ehheehe..Daniel, Sherlin, Sze Toh, velerie n samuel were there.. it was great fun..o the best part..i told Sze Tho abt ya..my disasterous chemistry moment..n ya he didnt finish his paper too..but mine was definately blank-er..haha..such a gentleman..sweet..charming.. drummer who promised to teach me drumming boarded the bus at 4.15pm..slept through the whole journey..never knew i was so exhausted..nichol was shocked n amazed that i cud get up in time..haha so bad..cruel..he wanted to NOT wake me up ! c2pid boy..=p

then came home..drop my bags..nicole was already waiting outside..drove to the park..chitchat-ed till our jaws almost drop..then felt the rain..rush into the car..drove to a frens hse to give back something then yay..finally back home..:) suppose to study tonite..ended up surfing,playing,chatting n haha blogging coz i took the laptop to my room.. looks like i wont be sleeping tonite owell..yup..ok conclusion : if u put it behind u, u really can move on and smile..theres so much more in life then the setupid-no-time chem paper…BUT I STUDIED THE WHOLE FREAKING WEEKEND..sigh..like i said put it BE-H-I-N-D me..gawsh..hehe..till the next disasterous event .. CHOI! haha toodles..

Such a bad bad bad day.

ps:updating my blog had been a real push my SOMEONE who says they can almost see spider webs around here..hehe =p

Morning was great..i guess..cosiderabEly..woke up just in time to grab my breakfast..was walking down to the bus-stop while chatting with tim met nichol..chitchatted while we walk down together.. studied chemistry while waiting for the bus to arrive.. guess what..it was late..=S anyways..thats that..so i missed Prayer Meeting today..went to class staight..met sheena n she commented on my ’sexy’ voice..haha im still recovering from my sorethroat first period was not even a period..lect came in n discuss abt the common test that was held on 10am..so studied all i could while helping each other..then psycho…stole the whole period to study more chem..

finally..it as 9.50..getting nervous already while walking to the exam hall..climbing the high tower of Taylor’s, esther made the lame-est joke ever..haha n i started laughing like mad..almost fell of the stairs! (i shud have, realising it now..) then sheena n sherlin continued more jokes…so we managed to de-stress for while.. when we reach the top, we realised we were the 1st five nerds there! so we stared down at our frens who were still walking n continued making jokes n laughs..then before we know it..we were called to go in the hall..as usual, it was FREEZING! settled down at my place..took a deep breath (feeling quite confident as i devoted by whole weekend on this dumb exam), said a prayer and wrote my details on the paper distributed..as soon as the lect say start..i opened the paper n started pen-ing my brain out….twas quite confuesing at first…then i manage to get the hang of it..

it was 10.30 am n i was only ending part2 (there were 4 parts and one essay) ..so i told myself to hurry up..n i did..when i was stuck at one part, i skipped it n went on..then..a really loud voice i heard .. "FIVE MORE MINUTES!"..i panicked! i was still in the middle of part3.. i flipped to the end page..rushed my essay like i never rushed before..i have done the essay abt 5times now..yet there was no time to write everything i know! then he said "ALL PENS DOWN ! NOW! " i couldnt care less..i flipped the pages filling the blanks i left..n he said to me, "GIRL, PEN DOWN!"..i gave in. slammed my pen on the table n gave my paper…feeling as terrible as i was.. sherlin, seating in front of me has rested her head on the desk n started crying..i cudnt confort her as i myself was feeling as horrible as ever..tears rolled down as i felt so so so irritated..walked out of the hall..went for eng class..everyone made the face indicating ‘NO CHEMISTRY TALK". that was then..more tears from the heart came.. i was just so..i dunno..hurt ? i studied so much n yet i cudnt let it out..it cud be a diff story altogether if i didnt know how to answer, but this was i DO KNOW the asnwers..just NO BLOODY TIMe.. ughhhh..seriously, theres no hope , no point in studying at that point anymore..ways of commiting real suicide was running through my mind..msged tim…feeling as needy as ever, i wanted to hug him so badly..he called..made things a lil better..but still devastated.

then sheena, rachel n sherlin..being the darlings as the are bought me n esther apple pie from mcD thank u girls *hugs* went late into Lan class thanks to my bio essay…walked into the lecture theater.. missed a step n tripped! lucky didnt fall n bang my head on the floor..another stupid embarrasing act of mine *rolls eyes* after that had maths..even worst..had my Direct Investigation..group work.. didnt finish oso..not enuf time..there goes my few percentage of myfinal marks…*screaming out loud*…sat through bio lecture.. didnt hear a word she said..was thinking of the bad day im having n wondering whats the next worse thing that could happen..then Boom! lightning…how great..the weather is turning its back on me now..how i hate rainy days in college..n it just HAD to rain today.. urrghhh..thank the Lord bio ended v.early..me n sherlin ran out of campus as the sky was really dark n it was starting to pour!! called tim to tell him i dinwan him to come over as the rain was getting heavier…but he was already on the way..owell..

sat aT my fav pastry shop with sherlin..flipping the magazine while pouting to myself..then whilst sherlin was buying a bun to share, timmy darling popped up behind me..wow..i can tell u, i felt the burden i bore was somehow gone for that minute..gave him  bigbig huggie n i felt my world became so much brighter u can really tell when that someone is really your special someone :-* then within a few seconds..once again i felt like dying..*sigh*..having tim beside my n sherlin on the other side somehow made things a lil better.. but not great…they did manage to make me smile and laugh though but i was still dissapointed as i was deep down inside it was 4pm, the bus came..left for home sweet home..

Got home..felt so tired..lost alot of blood..still feel like dying.. called my galfrens but no one was home..just finish raining n the weather was too great not to take a walk..so got in my shoes..again n went to the park..didnt jog tho..was really exhausted..but just walk..started thinking, pondering on my most horrible day..starting feeling like theres no more hope..looking at the people arn me.. wishing i was them..doing things pathetic people do..etc..haha nola..not THAT bad..but ya..was just strolling arn..enjoying nature.. prayed to God to grant me strength..peace..wisdom n faith.. then as i was walking back home..a few kids pass me by..age i dunno..6 ? 7? they waved at me..they dont usually do..but today..they were extremely friendly..most of them just came home from school.. they waved n said hi to me..to some, i smiled..to some i waved back..they’re really cute.. then i was nearing the house..realising hmmm..was that a sign from God ? little kids? could it be? maybe.. i felt happier..noticing i was smilling to myself..thinking how God shows His unfailing love and grace to his child (me) when i ask of Him.. =D n i decided..i have two choices.. #1 i can stay angry and devastated..holding on my failures and continue whining.. or #2 i can start working harder on my time management, score better in my midterms and put back that smile i once had.. so what would it be? definately number # 2 !

then got home..bathe…rested awhile..then had to go for dinner.. went to TESCO..nothing new..ate mamak..went grocery shopping again..was really desperate to eat kitkat…its the only thing i can find that will satisfy my anger inside..found it! dropped it in the trolley..really cudnt wait for dad to pay for it .. we went round n round buying junkfood n ice creams finally..at the counter.. my mouth was watering..haha yes, i really do love kitkat chunks then while waiting in line..suddenly remembered i wanted to check something..so took bryan with me n we went to the ice cream corner..cudnt decide what i wanted to get..so didnt bother..ran back to the counter..daddy already finish paying..pushed the stuff back to the car..was looking for my kitkat chunk in the plastic bag n guess WHAT…yup right you are..it wasnt THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i ask dad n he said.." o, twas urs ah? tot bryan simply put in so i dint buy it.." ..n i was like..*blank* *speechless*.. so sad..once again..i wanted to just commit suicide..commonla..anything else can happen.. just not my kitkat !! ugggghhhhhhhh …a hhhhhhhhhhhh… when i reached home, i almost drove out to 7-11 to get my kitkat but the camry was blocking my car.so what the heck..

so i shall still be angry n dissapointed until i eat my kitkat chunk! its almost 10pm and i havnt started any work today…so crappy.. WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?! *!!!!*

-sad,lost of hope,pathetic lil kitkat baby signing off-

Ten Things to Consider Before Marriage

1. Marriage is a lifelong commitment.

   "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has jointed together, let man not separate." "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning." - Matthew 19:6-8

2. Your marriage will go through tough times, but remember it’s a lifelong commitment.

   "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." - James 1:2

3. Be a servant to your spouse, putting her needs before your own.

   "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5

4. Learn to forgive…and forget.

   "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins." - Matthew 6:14-15

5. Admit when you are wrong, and seek reconciliation with your spouse.

   "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." - Matthew 5:23-24

6. Make plans together, but don’t be surprised when things do not turn out the way you planned.

   "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

7. Communicate often, but don’t try to change your spouse. Instead, try to encourage and strengthen each other. You cannot change your spouse, but you can change yourself.

   "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. - Luke 6:41-42

8. Don’t depend on your spouse to fill all your needs. Only God can do that.

   "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, depends on flesh for his strength whose heart turns away from the LORD." - Jeremiah 17:5

9. A husband must be willing to fill his God-given role.

   "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." - Ephesians 5:25-28

10. A wife must be willing to fill her God-given role.

    "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." - Ephesians 5:22-24

hmmm..*smiles innocentely*

Tim is in Jeram Besu right now..he left this morning.. we were talking on the phone…as far as i’m concern,he said that he WILL misscall me as a sign to indicate that he had arrived safely. That was my only reassurance that he did.SAdly, for whatever reason that might be, he did not. I was all stressed out and pressured in making a decision on whether or not to hand in my EST SPM paper for a remark.. n here he was, being as irresponsible as ever not bothering to call or even msg me!! o btw, i did send it all the way to Putrajaya..now, im kinda regretting it..feeling really down and hurt..but at the same time, trusting in God and recalling his Grace to me helps alot! Amen. Anyway back to tim…so i msged him..did he reply? nooo..i do remember he said he made sure he topped up before leaving..n for what may i ask? u mite as well just dont bring ur fon instead! so me, as usual..being compromisasive.. waited till evening..n i decided to call him..had a bad feeling already..twice his phone rang and he did not pick up..perhaps hes eating,perhaps hes bathing..perhaps he did not hear..i had to call his ex-gf..yup, just imagine!! n she said "yea…tim’s here already"..relieved as i was ..at the same time really mad at that guy! errghh..commitment n understanding as if ! =@ not going to let that CONTINUE to ruin my day, rushing through assignments..havnt got a chance to study yet.. stressed out..lonely..n finally wondering whether i should miss him or not.. *frown*

i’m so sick…so sick…physically and mentally..so sick of work.. so sick of things…so sick of commitments…so sick to meet deadlines.. so sickkkk…how to go for camp !?!?

sick sick me..=X